This has never gone well...

I know I had something that I had wanted to post about, but for the life of me I can't seem to remember what it was, so I just decided to look back through some of my work and post something new. Here is a poem which I have only shared with to people before, and both times it has been ill received. Maybe if i explained it a bit better people would like it, which I would love, but at the same time I didn't exactly write it so that people would like it. I did give it a title which I think helps the interpretation, but I'll let you decide it before I say anything else.

Concerning my inevitable joy

How could I have a son?

What dream of pandemonium,

Could convince me to show a daughter into this world?

Wouldn’t it be better to tie cement shoes around my neck,

And jump into Lake Travis,

Than to bring a child into such a place as this?

Could I hang my son?

Could I beat my Daughter?

Could I look to my right and see my child nailed to a cross?

Isn’t life a sort of abortion?

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I am not a proponent of abortion at all. For me I really don't know if it's moral. I see good points on both sides of the argument. I would think however that it would be better to err on the side of giving life, not taking the chance of destroying it. Either way, that's not what this poem is about.

Essentially I'm scared to death of having a kid, which is something I want more than almost anything. I want to show a child the wonders of Creation and the great joys that life has to offer. But Lord it's frightening! I experience pain of the deepest variety nearly every day. I often long for death as a perfect escape. 

Aristotle thought that to live a well rounded of flourishing life one had to be able to understand everything. Better a man in pain than a swine satisfied. He thought that people could have terrible painful lives, but it's still better to know the difference than to just be blissfully ignorant. In a way I see his point. He says no one would choose to be happy and ignorant if they were wise and unhappy. I'm not sure this is always true though. We chose to give up blissful ignorance in the Garden, but I think that, if presented with the option, plenty of us would take that back. At the same time however, is it really happiness if you don't know the difference?

These are the things I consider when I think about having a child. This poem basically illustrates all my fears surrounding the inevitable joy of bearing a child. Could I really watch my son suffer the same things that I have been through? What would I do if my daughter was assaulted or kidnapped? At the very worst, what if I create a life that would have been better un-lived? In the end I feel that's not really up to me, but I still can't help but feel responsible.